


Heart In Ashes

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 12:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9490382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: Dean hadn't spoken since it had happened.





	

Dean hadn't spoken since it had happened.

The first day or two, they had all given him his space to deal with the deaths in his own way. Even Bobby was much quieter than usual and didn't snap at the boys. He drew up ideas and researched tools or rituals they would need to stay alive or save other lives, but the tone of his work wasn't the same any longer. When Dean was with him, they'd point and nod, then Dean would head outside to look around.

The first night was the worst, Sam had thought. They watched the fire consume the photo of all of them and he watched his brother stay staring into the flames as Jo's likeness was burned away. When the photograph was completely gone, he still stared into the flames until they burned down to ashes and cinders as well. He stayed standing in the same place the whole time.

However, over the next few days, when Dean still didn't speak to any of them, Sam realized that his brother moved as if he were getting older in front of his eyes. Even when Dean had been hurt or near death, Sam had never seen him like that. When he went to Bobby to talk to him, Bobby's response was to "Leave him be." Sam wanted to protest until he saw that Bobby looked like he had gotten much older over night.

"He loved her," Castiel finally said one night when he came upon Sam sitting and watching Dean do something beneath hood of the Impala.

"We loved them both," Sam said quietly, causing the angel to shake his head. "They were family," he finished stubbornly.

"It's not the same. Dean didn't realize how much he loved her until all of this. He wasn't prepared for the loss and the realization."

Sam let out a breath. "He looks even more like our father now."

"Winchesters love deeply and completely," was Castiel's answer. He looked out into the yard. "So do Singers."

"What?"

Castiel nodded towards where Bobby was sitting on the porch cleaning one of several guns and loading them was something. "Bobby and Ellen."

Sam blinked. "Bobby and Ellen?"

"He's loved her for years. She was his best friend for the longest time and he doesn't know how to not have her in this world. He's tired, ready to quit. He won't," Castiel assured him. "It's not in him to quit in a time like this -- especially since he believes at least one of you needs him even more now."

Sam let out a long sigh, shaking his head. "This is all my fault, Castiel. None of this would have happened if I hadn't listened to Ruby. Jo and Ellen would still be alive."

"Maybe it is, or maybe it would have happened no matter what chose to do. None of us know of God's plan."

The disgusted look Sam gave him clearly said what he thought about God and his plans.

 

Dean was really getting tired of all of the goodbyes he'd been having to say over the years. His parents, friends, hell, there were even a few times he had said goodbye to Sam, thinking it was the end for either one or both of them. They had been through a lot, but nothing had hurt quite like this. Nothing had kept _burning_ him inside quite like this.

He locked himself in one of the rooms of the place they were staying in -- though he doubted a locked door would keep Castiel out if he wanted in bad enough. He locked the door and sat down on the edge of the bed. He couldn't tell you how long he sat there or how much bourbon he drank. (Bourbon, one of her favorite drinks.) 

The bourbon was placed on the table next to the bed and he laid back, one arm behind his head as he started into the object he held in his hand. He was pretty sure the bottle had been a lot less full when he locked himself in the room, but no matter how much he drank right now, the bottle never went empty on him. He'd have to thank Castiel for that later.

He didn't know where or how Castiel had found the photos or how he had gotten them back here, and really, Dean didn't give a damn where the angel had found them. What he did know was that a couple of wallets and several photos had found their way beneath the driver's seat of the Impala.

Jo's wallet had immediately gone into his own pocket without being opened. It wasn't something he planned on sharing with anyone just yet -- not even Sam. Ellen's wallet... well, Dean would give that one to Bobby. He didn't look through that one, either. He felt like it would be an invasion of privacy. (Imagine that, Dean not wanting to invade someone's privacy in any way.)

So the wallets were out of sight and he had a handful of photographs that he didn't know the origins of. There was the photograph of all of them from that last night -- and Dean was as sure as hell that Bobby had burned the photo. He had stared into that damn fireplace and watched the image of Jo with his arm around her turn to nothing but ash. Again, he thought that Castiel had something to do with it, but he wasn't going to think on that right now.

He let that photo and several others fall to the bed as his eyes found a photo that he hadn't even been aware existed. In the photo, He was laying on a couch somewhere and Jo was sitting on the floor next to the couch. She appeared to have fallen asleep and his hand was resting in her hair where her head was on the couch next to his chest. The picture gave the idea that they did this often because they looked so comfortable. He had no memory of anything like this, but he wished to god he had. He wondered if she had remembered it and who it was that took the picture.

"Damn it, Jo," he said quietly. "Damn it all to hell. You know what, no. Damn everyone! Damn the angels and the demons and the ghosts and the Reapers and heaven and hell. Damn all of it! They can all go to hell. Screw them all!"

He shook his head and stared at the picture of the two of them, one finger tracing her face. "This should have been what happened. I was so blind and so stubborn. I didn't want to admit to any deeper feelings because love only caused you pain. But not admitting it didn't make it go away and I'm sorry that I was too late." He reached for the bottle and took a drink as he looked down at the bed and the photos scattered around him. "I don't know what Cas thought he was doing, putting all of this in my car. It was a messed up thing for him to do. Hide photographs of you for me to find and be reminded that I was too late. Too late to hold you. Too late to love you. Too late to save you." He wiped his eyes with his hand holding the bottle. "You'd probably laugh if you could see me sitting here and blubbering like a baby when there's fighting to be done, but god damn it, Jo. You weren't supposed to die in all of this!" He took another drink, resisting the urge to throw the bottle to smash against the wall. "You weren't supposed to die! You were supposed to live and be beautiful and celebrate with me when we kicked all the ass we needed to kick. You weren't supposed to leave me, Jo."

Dean shook his head and sifted through the photos that he had dropped on the bed. So many of Jo and a few of him and Jo that he didn't know were taken. "I never wanted any of this war, you know? But when Sam left, I was all Dad had. Then that demon bastard that killed our mom started screwing with people and set his sights on Sammy. I couldn't have that. No one was going to mess with my brother. But then everything else. I made the deal to go to hell in his place and I was okay with that. But I never figured on all of the rest of this. I thought about you a lot, even when I had made it clear to you that I wasn't interested in you like that. I was a very good liar. I hated it after awhile. I hated lying to you... and I hate that I never realized that I loved you, Jo." He repeated the words in a whisper. "I loved you, Jo. I love you."

 

A little more than twenty-fours later, Dean finally came out of the locked room. The bottle he was holding was mostly empty and his eyes looked worse than Sam had ever seen them. Dean let his eyes run over his brother to make sure he was in one piece, and then he walked over to Bobby. He handed Bobby something that Sam couldn't see. Whatever it was caused Bobby to bow his head and his shoulders hunched a little. Sam couldn't make out the conversation, but soon, Dean headed back over to he and Castiel, with Bobby coming up behind him.

"We're taking the bastard down," Dean said tightly. "All of the bastards. We go for Lucifer and we take out anyone who tries to stop us or get in our way. If they're not with us, then they're against us and they deserve the same treatment."

"Dean, we can't just --"

Dean cut him off with a glare. "Don't tell me what we can't do, Sam. The woman I loved got herself killed because she was trying to protect me. The woman who was the closest thing we had to a mother lately allowed herself to be sacrificed so that we could get the hell out and end this war. I'm going to end this -- with or without your help."

Sam just stared at him for a moment and then looked at Bobby. Bobby had to see the futility of rushing into something like Dean wanted to do, right? Bobby would be the voice of reason and stop Dean from doing anything stupid or suicidal. When Bobby didn't say anything, Sam had to.

"Bobby? Aren't you going to say anything to him?"

"What would you have me say, boy?" Bobby demanded. "We've tried playing by whatever rules that we thought there were --" He looked at Castiel who looked at Dean. "-- and people are still dying. Good people who don't deserve to die are dying. Maybe if we change things up and make up our own rules as we go along, then we can do some good and keep more people from dying."

"This can't be the best we can do," Sam protested.

"No, Sam," Dean growled. "There is no more best we can do. Jo is dead. Dead, Sam. Ellen is dead. They're dead and they're not coming back. I'm tired of those bastards killing people I love and it's time that I did some damage to them in return. I promised Jo and Ellen we would end this, and we're going to. In order to do that, we have to change our game plan because what we usually do isn't working!"

"Castiel?" He was the angel in their group and he was the one that kept saying how there were ways that things were done.

Castiel was silent for a long moment as he seemed to look out past Sam's shoulder. As they waited for him to respond to Sam, Dean drank the rest of what was in his bottle and then threw it as far as he could. The shattering of the glass on the rocks seemed to bring Castiel back to the conversation.

"There are rules in place in everything we do for a reason," Castiel started out.

"Damn it, Cas!"

"However," the angel continued, as if nothing had been said. "These are not the usual conditions and we are at war. Everything does happen for a reason. Maybe doing things Dean's way is something that needs to happen right now."

Dean nodded. "My thoughts exactly."

"We're not going to act like them," Sam waved his hand out to the distance. "We're better than that!"

"You're a fine one to tell us how we should be acting, Sam," Bobby said angrily. "None of this would have happened if you hadn't been played by that demon bitch and you hadn't been playing vampire with her." Sam flinched at the reminder of how Ruby had played him.

"Sam," Dean said quietly. "We're in a war. We're in a war that will destroy all of this world if we don't win it. Our side keeps getting smaller and smaller. It's time to change our strategy."


End file.
